I have something to say that some of you will find hard, but on the 6^th June my son Derick died. He was 36, he died of a heart attack bought on after his liver had failed. As some of you will know Derick he had his own set of problems and demons to fight. He was doing very well, with our support, and the support of the rest of the family.

Derick’s funeral was last Friday and was a family affair we felt at the time that we were having such a very hard time dealing with our grief and were not in a position, nor inclination to having others share this sad but intimate time.

The police in the first instant treated the death of Derick as suspicious, this was an added burden to us all. We now know that Derick died of natural causes. But there have been circumstances such that his flat had to be treated as a crime scene, someone robbed him either just before or just after he died they are still investigating this.

I am crying as I write this as I miss him so very much. You see he wasn’t just a son to me he was my friend, carer, confidant, best buddy, and we looked after each other. He would sit with me and I would sit with him when we felt down. There have been many occasions that Derick has by his presence saved my life, you see I loved him so much he instinctively knew when I needed him.

I loved my son no more than any other member of our family from mother in law to grandchildren, and most certainly none the less, but Derick was something truly special to me, I know that we were able to connect in thought without saying a single word and be empathic to each other. What’s even more painful is when I see his son Daniel he looks so much like his dad it sends another dagger of grief through my soul each time I see him. Its just not right no parent should have to out live their child.

I have one piece of consolation though. The last time I saw Derick I was teasing him about the weight he had put on, the last words I said to him were “you have got to get a bit more exercise son why don’t you walk up to us once a day and mum will bring you home.” When I left the flat and walked down the stairs I said “I’m only saying this because I love you son.” why did I say those words they were so prophetic in their meaning.

This is the nearest few words that I can in someway find to express my feelings of loss

I love thee with the Breath, Smiles, Tears, of all my life!--- and if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

But even then there a no words, songs, or thoughts that are able to explain to you what the death of our son has done to dent the faith that used to be in both Susan and me. Even more problematic to us is will we ever get it back. 

I am so very tired with all of the emotional things you have to do, today Sunday we had to go and clear the last things from his flat. tomorrow we have to give the keys back to the housing society. Its going to be so very hard for us both because it will feel as tough he has gone for good.

My faith in God has been challenged quite a bit over the past year what with my own stupidity, Sue heart problems, my failing health, Sues mums illness, and the now the worst of them all the loss of Derick. The trauma of doing the things that have to be done has made me question God so very much, in the space of mille seconds I go from loving belief to outrageous anger, from the compassion and warmth of the scriptures and Christ, to the cold reality that this has truly happened. I need to go on some sort of sabbatical, retreat, or care home for a few days without Susan, so that I might be able to sort out my quarrel with God. There is however not much chance of that.

Its at these times during my day that I am in physical pain and not able to sleep that I feel the dispare and coldness of the fact that I will never be able to share with my son the things that are private between all fathers in the world and all the sons.